Ego:that dirty lil b*tch

So here’s the thing…

My soul has been taken over by Ego.

(Such a lil f$&ker that guy is)

The big bad Ego gremlin has returned and has my soul held hostage in a dark and gloomy place.

It’s now my mission is rescue my soul and nourish it.

Ego has been creeping in and out for months now. It’s like he (not sure why I feel like it’s a masculine identity but I just feel that) it’s like he creeps out for a second like he’s going out for a jug of milk and the dark, negative space finally gets this light, fresh air back. It’s like I can take on the world and spirit says “fuck what others think or say about you, YOU GOT THIS YOU BAD ASS BITCH! Let’s live authentically and be our BEST SELF. Let’s be in nature, create art, help others, eat clean and move our body! Let’s connect to source and be at peace. LIFE IS SO GOOD LETS LIVE IT UP”

Then like thunder rollin in, Ego comes back to the room with a loud BOOM, hands me anxiety and says “are you kidding me? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’ve given up, your gonna fail, you already have, so say nothing, do nothing, and don’t think for a second that your “special” in any kinda way”

And like a beaten puppy, I tuck my tail, drop my head and go back to “living”

I’m so sick of this gremlin telling me his opinions on the matters in my life. I’m done listening to him tell me I’ll never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or that I will never amount to anything ….🖕🏽

I’m ready to free my soul of this monster and start being more sympathetic to my inner being and to truly love myself and my circumstances. To start enjoying the everyday tasks. To live authentically, without Ego telling me I should be jealous, envious, angry and resent that others are excelling in their personal lives.

It’s gonna be a battle.

I know this for a fact. Ego is big. He’ll try and take me down which ever way he can. But when Ego comes in, with that overbearing presence, I will stop, take a deep breath, remind soul that I am making a conscious effort to hold him off and I’m on souls side. And there will be days that he will win, but I will be gentle with myself and surround myself with the ones who truly know me and love me for who I am.

The only way to get rid of the darkness is to shine light, so that’s what I’ll do. I’ll keep my light on so bright that even if Ego tries to sneak up on me, I’ll be able to blast em.

Peace out Ego, day by day you will start to realize that you have no business in my life ✌🏼

That Monday thingi

If your like most people, you start new things on Monday.

And this Monday brings new challenges to myself.

I’ve decided to take on a beachbody program called 80 day obsession.

It’s a program that was created by Autumn calabrese the trainer that brought the most popular programs like 21 day fix and 21 day fix extreme.

This is a little different though.

It’s 80 days of using bands and sliders and weights and foam rollers.

It focuses on timed nutrition and portion control.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.

I haven’t followed an actually program in years. I usually jump from program to program, and usually only picking the workout that I want to do, not necessarily the workout I should be doing.

I’m ready to test myself.

I still have some back issues that I am dealing with but I’m determined to push through and get stronger.

I’ve already had a few bumps this morning and it’s not even 6am. My son Bohdi woke up probably around 3am. My husband got up and changed him and brought him into our room to sleep off the rest of the night. Only Bohdi didn’t wanna sleep. He was thrashing about, using his little fingers to creep over the pillow to find my face and slap my cheeks saying “oh hi mama” and saying things like “LAY DOWN!” (My husband kept telling him to lay down, so the parrot came out 🤦‍♀️)

Right when I was about to fully pass out, the good ole alarm went off. I hit snooze but man did I want to just stay in my nice warm bed where my boys were sleeping soundly now.

But I got up, made my “preworkout meal”

Which needed to consist of a protein, a carb, veggies and some olive oil.

I made some poached eggs, some yams and spinach. I won’t pretend that I enjoyed it. I gagged about 3 spoonfuls into my mouth, before deciding that I couldn’t eat it.

I read somewhere that I can replaced that meal with a shake and I think that’s what I’m gonna do. I just can’t force myself to eat so early in the day. I’m now sitting here reading a book called “invincible living” by guru jagat. An interesting read about the practice of kundalini yoga, while sipping my preworkout. I got about 5 mins before I press play with my first workout. Wish me luck.

Bring on 35

There’s no other way I’d rather bring in the eve of my birthday than with a nice long YIN YOGA class.

To be honest when my best friend invited me, I wanted to say no. I had a date with the bath, a cup a tea, my PJS, and my guilt pleasure (Big Brother 😬)

The class started later than I would have liked it to, but I said yes, and there was no getting outta it now (and by late I’m talking 730pm) 🤦‍♀️

It was lead by an amazing teacher who was very calming, and informative, and reminded us to keep going with in.

Thanks to the squirrels in my head, my brain is always going nutty.

The one thing that just kept coming back into my brain was…

“I AM” another deep breath in….

“I AM” another deep breath out…

This made me think.

“I am” really is the most powerful thing you will ever say to yourself.

Whatever you say after these two little words will create your destiny. It will shape your life. It will influence the job you have, the people you hang out with, your style, your self esteem. It will flow over to the important people in your life, your spouse, your kids, your family.

I am will ultimately shape your reality.

I am worthy.

I am capable.

I am strong.

I am a great mother, wife, friend.

I am smart.

I am out going…

The list goes on. You can see how saying these things to yourself would shape a positive future and outcome.

Now, most people are saying these powerful words with a not so good message attached.

“I am stupid”

“I am fat”

“I am no good at communicating”

“I am not good enough for that job”

“I am not a good enough mother, spouse, friend”

“I am going to end up like so and so…”

“I am going to be single for ever”

And the list goes on and on and on.

And what ever you add after “I am” is like a seed you are planting. It will grow and show up in your life.

So tonight before I turn the big 3-5 tomorrow, I am changing the language in my head and with others.

I will be a positive “I am”er and leave all those lame negative one back in the past.

“I AM READY TO LIVE MY BEST LIFE WITH ABUNDANT OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH AND SELF LOVE”

Bring on 35.

When less is more.

It’s like a light bulb has gone off in my brain or like two live wires have finally been connect in my brain that have sparked the way for change.

I am/was a unconscious shopper. It’s like my brain and body were on autopilot and I would consume things I thought would make me better, fitter, prettier, more worthy, more “put together”, smarter, and the list goes on.

I am more aware of these thoughts and feelings now that I am adopting a “mindful consumer” approach.

I have found myself stopping and thinking, “do I really need this? Or am I wanting it to fell better about….” (insert some insecurity I am having or overcoming)

I was spending money faster than our income was coming in. We are a one income family and my mindless consuming was dipping into our savings. I would say “that’s it, I’m not spending anymore money!” Then something would pop up on Facebook selling something and my brain would say “I NEED THIS!”, like clothing, earrings, necklaces, spiritual gems, books, home accessories… and I’d say “this is the LAST thing I am buying….” I’ll start not spending money tomorrow…and day after day I’d watch our bank account slowly drop.

I know the effects of the compound effect. (Making small choices everyday to slowly build momentum to achieve a certain outcome) Heck I dropped 60 pounds, by saying enough is enough and being conscious of what I was putting into my body and what activities I was doing to stay active. It’s time to do that with our finances. It was about an idea, a belief I could be more, be the person I knew I could be and being consistent with how I wanted to feel.

I now want to feel that I have enough.

I am enough.

So Enough is enough and I will stop being a sheep, following the masses, the “I NEED this” mentality and I will break this cycle of unconscious consuming.

Here we go.

Day 1 of the 3 day refresh

So a couple of days ago I tried on a dress that fit a little snug. The plus was that I could do the flippin dress up, so score. But I started to think, maybe if I completed Beachbody’s 3 day refresh, that dress wouldn’t fit so snug on Saturday (my husband and I have an event) and I REFUSE to buy anything new. (On a buying strike)

So today is day one.

It’s pretty simple really.

Wake up, have some water.

Have shakeology within the hour of waking, plus a piece of fruit.

Snack time I take the fiber sweep. (Keeps me full)

I also can have a cup of tea.

Then lunch, which is veggies, fruit and a healthy fat.

Then tea

Snack

Dinner. Which is like a vegan dinner. Loads of veggies no meat.

And more tea if I want it.

I’ve recently had some news that put a tad bit of stress/worry on me.

I thought, maybe this isn’t the time to do this cleanse. Then thought, I can’t let things I can’t control influence my health and well being. So today is the day.

I choose to get outta the house this morning and visit my father in law, which this morning he made my son a “loggers breakfast” and I sat here and drank a shake 😬<<<<<
reakfast wouldn't have drained my energy anyways and I'm trying to go in the opposite direction.

STARTING WEIGHT.

144.4

I'm hoping to lose at least 4 pounds and feel lighter.

Wish me luck.

When you just think things could get back to “normal”

The last 6 months or more have been crazy for myself and definitely a tad different for my family.

We thought that taking on two international students would give me the ability to stay at home with my young toddler. Financially it looked like a good gig. We figured “hey why not, I’m gonna make food for my family anyways, why not just make bigger dinners and get to know a different culture”

Man was I WRONG.

I won’t go to much into details but it was definitely NOT EASY.

It took a toll on me. I was trying to please a 15 and 16 year old. Trying to make everyone happy. I just wanted them to feel comfortable in our home so that I could feel comfortable in my own home.

It never happened. I burned out. Started to resent these kids in my home and I shut down.

I had many arguments with my spouse about how we should deal with these kids that didn’t respect our rules, that would expect certain things of me, that very rarely would say “thank you” (this one killed me)

We finally made the decision that no money in the world was worth our peace of mind and the bad energy that was floating in our home, so we pulled the plug and said “adios” to both students.

I felt like a weight was lifted. I was free. I felt the energy of the house shift. It was an amazing feeling! I said to myself “when Bohdi naps I’m gonna smudge the shit outta this house, drink tea and take some time for ME!”

Bohdi finally went down for a nap, I made a bowl of soup and a cup of tea, took a deep breath to write a post on taking time for yourself and being present and calm, then BAM!

Bohdi wakes up. Screaming, crying and demanding me.

“No, this can’t be how my new day, my new beginning is gonna start!” The kids usually a pro napper, sleeps anywhere between 2-3 hours. So sleeping 30-40 mins was just a tease!

I try and wait him out. Nope. He’s pissed. I finally go in to get him, and long story short, he cried and whined all day.

My tea went cold. My workout didn’t happen. My dishes stayed piled and my random projects I wanted to get done, didn’t. No smudging, no crafting, no down time, just cranky ass toddler.

It was a long day to say the least.

But as I take a moment to look at it now. That’s life. Just when you start to plan out your day and expect things to go a certain way, the universe says, “well, if you truly want to be present, BE with your child and show compassion. Not everything is gonna get done in one day. This is a new beginning and how you deal with all the bumps is going to show you if you are truly working towards being a better human like you said you’d like to be” (well that’s what the big U said to me)

And I can admit that I let the bumps get to me yesterday.

I got overwhelmed and shut down and Took a little pity party.

I WANTED to smudge the house, I WANTED to write a new blog post, I WANTED to paint the kitchen, i WANTED to workout, I WANTED to take care of loose ends I’ve been meaning to take care of, but instead I got a cranky kid who just wanted his mom.

If that didn’t happen I wouldn’t been able to look back on yesterday and say “shit, how the eff did I expect to do ALL that shit in one day? Hell I wanted to get most of that done in a two hour time frame”

This is an eye opener that I DONT need to get everything done and I need to start making lists and prioritize.

Time to put “calmness” into practice and do things with intention.

Moral of the story.

With every door that closes, the new beginning starts, but it may not start as gingerly as you’d like. But when shit goes sideways, you have the ability to step back, reflect and decide how the next day is going to go.

So today. I go with the flow. I will be grateful for all that comes my way, and I’ll write a list of things I’d like to accomplish but if I don’t, I will go easy on myself.

Time to Align.

As I sit here I wonder where this little blog will take me. Its late, well late for me. Close to 9:00 pm ( I know Iam so wild and crazy) but when you have a cranky toddler all day, 5 pm seems like 2am. So bare with me as I try and wrap my head around what I truly want to get across.

Last night as I lay in bed with my phone in my hand, squinting scrolling through facebook, I took notice to how my body felt with my phone in my hand. Tense. My shoulders were tight, my fingers cramping. My eyes hurt, but I couldnt stop scrolling.

This is a problem. A BIG PROBLEM. The last 6 months I have gapped out more and more on facebook and today I am taking a stand.

Today I decided to take a 30 day hiatus from the crazy world of facebook land. I know 30 days doesnt seem like a lot, but for someone who used Facebook for my business for the last 3 years, which meant me posting 3-5 times a day, connecting with tons of people daily, 30 days is a huge step.

And its not that I didnt like sharing my life with others, I truly loved helping others start their own health and wellness journeys, but when burn out started to creep in and all my joy got sucked from my body, I suffered. I suffered mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Facebook was making me anxious.

So as I go on this journey to find a healthy balance, I know that having my phone of me 24/7 to check/scroll facebook IS NOT apart of the life I truly want to live. So it was “Adios” to facebook.

Heres to a new beginning of creating, painting, living fully, creating moments of love and laughter and being mindful in all my actions.